Today, as the sun reached its highest point in the sky, two competitors faced off on the most highly anticipated sporting event of the weekend.* The first competitor was the diabolical, highly trained, and ruthless Feldman, who had been attempting to scare her competitor all week by drawing unrealistic pictures of her burning a taller competitor with a flamethrower while he cried. The second competitor, Greiner, did not flinch from such verbal and mental abuse, but rather used it as a further proof that he weilded a more important weapon–the weapon of justice.
Greiner, the inexperienced but determined swordsman, met Feldman on the field of battle, and a hushed sense of fear and expectancy fell over the crowd.** Luckily, Greiner had one secret weapon other than the weapon of justice. He was able to switch fighting styles so that the ruthless tyrant Feldman would not have an advantage. This was due to the fact that he was too big to fit into any of the other equipment. Anyway, the eppee fight was on.
In Round One, Greiner displayed a combination of ignorance and aggressiveness the likes of which Feldman had never experienced. He was able to stab her foot, her leg, and her arm. Feldman struck back, stabbing Greiner’s front leg kinda hard. He might develop a bruise. And, at the end of Round One, GREINER PREVAILED!***
However, this only made Feldman angrier. At this point, she unleashed a wave of wild, boorish assaults, charging and screaming and stabbing. Greiner was stabbed in the heart, the stomach, and the neck. At one point, he got lucky and got the leg, but that was it for him. On the tie-breaking point, the pitiless Feldman slew the stout-hearted but doomed Greiner, ending his dreams of winning what has become known as “Swordmaggedon…the greatest sword battle, ever.”
PS No Homework this weekend.
*Except the Superbowl.
**Ok, the crowd was made of Jenny, Juli, Nat, and Lili, and there wasn’t so much of a hushed silence as a series of “You’re gonna lose, Greiner!” taunts.
***I’m pretty sure it was only because I am at least a foot taller.